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Why Do You Blame?

Take a moment to think about who you blame for your feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, aloneness, emptiness, loneliness, helplessness, inadequacy, shame, depression, anxiety, fear, and so on. What is really going on inside when you blame someone else for your feelings?

Many people have a strong belief that other people are the cause of their feelings - that they are victims of others’ choices - so they have a right to blame others. The belief that others cause your feelings generally starts early in childhood when parents blamed each other, or you, for their feelings. Most people do not grow up seeing parents or other caregivers take responsibility for causing or for nurturing their own feelings. Nor do they see people learning from their feelings. Instead, they see people avoiding their feelings in various ways, such as using addictions to numb them out, or using blame to dump them onto others.

If you have a deep belief that others cause your feelings, then it seems only right to blame them for causing your pain or not making you happy. When you come from this belief, the only way you can move out of feeling like a victim is to try to control the other person into not doing the thing that you think is causing your pain, or to do the thing that you think will make you happy.

Blame is always a form of control that originates in the wounded part of oneself that hates to feel helpless. Rather than accept your powerlessness over others’ choices, you convince yourself that if you blame the other person, you can get the other to behave the way you want.

The problem is that the belief that others cause your feelings is not true.

For example, let’s say that you come home after a difficult day wanting to share your day with your partner and your partner is on the phone. You indicate that you want to speak with him/her but your partner keeps talking on the phone. If you end up feeling hurt and angry, it is easy to believe that it is your partner’s neglect that is causing your hurt and anger. But let’s take two different inner reactions to see what is really causing these feelings.

1. You say to yourself, “My partner doesn’t care about me. I’m not important to him/her.”

If this is what you say to yourself, then of course you will feel hurt and angry, but it is not because of what your partner is doing - it is because of what you are telling yourself. Once you make the assumption that your partner’s behavior indicates a lack of caring, you might overtly blame your partner for your feelings by getting angry, or you might covertly blame by shutting down, punishing your partner through withdrawing your love.

2. You say to yourself, “My partner is busy right now with something important to him/her, so I will take this opportunity to relax and decompress so we can have a nice time later sharing the events of our day.”

If this is what you say to yourself, then you would not end up feeling hurt and angry, and you would not blame and punish your partner.

Let’s take another situation. You have picked up something at the hardware store for the house and your partner blames you for getting the wrong thing, saying, “This is not what I told you to get. Can’t you ever do anything right?”

In this case, your partner has judged you as being inadequate or stupid. You feel hurt at being treated badly and you lash out in blame, “I just got what you told me to get. You are a bad communicator. There’s never any pleasing you.”

Doesn’t it seem logical that your anger and hurt are coming from your partner’s judgment of you?

If you said to yourself, “I’m inadequate, I’m stupid,” then you will feel hurt and angry. However, if you said to yourself, “It looks like my partner had a bad day,” and didn’t take your partner’s blame personally, you might feel compassion instead of hurt and anger. You might respond with, “Honey, have you had a difficult day?”

Blaming another is always a way to avoid responsibility for what you are telling yourself and how you are treating yourself that is causing your feelings.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and

• Why
• Do
• You
• Blame

Getting Your Ex Back by Keeping the Lines of Communication Open

If you have recently broken up with your partner but are still talking, even minimally, there is hope in salvaging the relationship…but communication is key.

At this stage emotions are on a roller coaster ride and both parties need to be aware of each others feelings. Use these key communication tips in getting your ex back.

Sharing Thoughts and Feelings

Don’t make the other person feel stupid for what they’re feeling. Rolling of the eyes or scoffing at remarks just builds more barriers.

Support

Do give the other support and reaffirm what it is you heard them say and acknowledge that they have a right to their feelings.

Talk Out Your Differences

Do understand that at this stage you and your partner won’t always get along. Realize that there will be differences of opinions because it’s a natural occurrence for all couples.

Don’t let those “differences” get out of control. Now is the time to talk out those differences and come up with some kind of comprise that both can live with.

Listen

This is probably the hardest of all. Being able to listen to your partner when they need it encourages them to keep the lines of communication open.

Don’t interrupt them. Let them say what they need to and then take your turn. There is no quicker way to shut down the conversation than when a partner feels that the other person isn’t listening.

Build Trust and Honesty

Do tell your partner the truth about your feelings and avoid lying. Lies will only build on other lies and will ultimately kill trust in a partnership completely.

Don’t hold back on the true feelings you really want to express by keeping thoughts or feelings bottled up inside you. Now is the time to find out if your partner really supports those feelings.

When those feelings do surface, don’t let them come out in a torrent of anger. Doing so will only hurt the other person.

Take Things Seriously

If your partner brings up a concern they have, take it seriously. Don’t brush it off as nonsense. If it’s a concern for them, it needs to be worked out, so help support them in that matter. If you don’t take it seriously, they won’t take you seriously and communication will cease to exist.

Stay Positive

Do maintain a positive attitude with your partner as much as possible. It’s not always easy to do, especially if the break up was really nasty, but it is essential for communication.

Negative attitudes build barriers to communication. A positive attitude encourages more communication and allows a relationship to grow.

Re-establishing lines of communication is probably one of the best places to start in getting your ex back. Maintaining these key points in your relationship can ensure that the lines of communication will stay open. You can grow a healthy relationship that will last a lifetime.

Get a peek at a great self help course called The Magic of Making Up by visiting Richard’s site at I Want My Ex Back today!

• Getting
• Your
• Ex
• Back
• By
• Keeping
• The
• Lines
• Of
• Communication
• Open

How to Forgive and Let Go of the Past!

Next to love, forgiveness is the most misunderstood concept. Forgiveness has been twisted by a lack of awareness as to how it functions. To forgive does not mean we must rejoin with our ex-lovers, free criminals from prisons, return to old jobs or anything else absurd. We are taught to believe that if we are to forgive the one who hurt us, it must manifest in some form of behavior. Forgiveness is often seen as weakness.

Forgiveness is a function of love that seeks to understand the negative impact of another person and then to release the pain and find inner peace. When you choose to forgive somebody this does not mean that you acknowledge they’re cruel behavior as acceptable, for doing this would be dishonest. Above all, it does not mean that we assume a superior (holier than thou) attitude to pardon the sins others.

Let’s explore the truth about forgiveness. The meaning of the verb forgive, translates into “to let go”, which is the function of genuine forgiveness. Forgiveness is the releasement (letting go) of negative feelings generated in you by another person. It is your responsibility to let go of the hurt that another produces. The other person can apologize to you for their negative impact, but you still have to let go of the hurt feelings in order for forgiveness to become a healing experience.

What makes forgiveness so difficult, for so many? The greatest obstacle for everyone who is on a spiritual path is the negative ego. The negative ego loves to hold onto a grudge and is our greatest source of resistance toward forgiveness. Our negative ego is what blocks our happiness and peace of mind. Ultimately, we have a choice to support our EGO or our SOUL, to try to be RIGHT or to find INNER PEACE.

Forgiveness like all soul qualities (peace, love, innocence, respect, oneness, and passion) does not require a type of behavior. It begins with a relinquishing of emotional baggage and the choice to function from your Soul versus your negative ego. Forgiveness is a willingness to perceive everyone, including your self, as either feeling and expressing love or perceiving its absence and having a need for more love. It is a relinquishing of a harmful train of thought that leads to constricting feelings. Forgiveness offers freedom to live a full and harmonious life.

The bi-product of forgiveness is our own willingness and ability to forget. If we cannot seem to forget then we have never completely let go. Holding on to pain only weaken us and produces misery. The purpose of forgetting is to prevent the mind from becoming a battlefield. Negative feelings evaporate whenever they are looked at calmly and honestly and are dealt with responsibly. Often this process is gradual. The desire to function from your Soul (love) and to live your life in peace is the greatest motivation for forgiving another.

If you feel that forgiving adds one more grudging obligation to your life, you are functioning from your negative ego. Understanding that forgiveness is the doorway to your happiness and is the choice to function with love. When you are attacked by someone you must first deal with the hurt that you feel. Forgiveness is not a short cut to avoid dealing with your emotions. Too many try to forgive without releasing their anger and hurt. This common mistake only represses the anger and it putrefies into resentment and bitterness.

A great habit to cultivate is to pause whenever you are having difficulty releasing an upset from your mind. Look directly, and in detail at the contents of your thoughts. Dissect your emotions. Step back from them for a moment and gain new perspective. Write them down in a journal to gain deeper clarity. And give yourself time to forgive, it doesn’t have to be instantaneous, but know it is necessary to your happiness and peace.

A person who claims they “love everyone equally” and are never hurt by others are not more spiritually evolved, but more likely emotionally repressed. To be a spiritual, doesn’t mean you have to like the ego of everyone that crosses your path, for you would then become transparent and lose your individuality. Liking somebody and letting go of someone’s negative impact upon you are two completely different issues.

Steps to Forgiveness:

1. Release the charged emotions: Take a legal pad and write at the top of the page, the person you wish to forgive. Write out all your feelings about the situation that you are forgiving. Release the anger, hurt, frustration or any feelings you have due to this experience. Take your time and feel your words as you write them down. If forgiveness is still difficult you may want to read my article on, Transforming Anger.

2. Forgive yourself: Close your eyes and relax. Mentally repeat I forgive myself for allowing myself to be hurt/disappointed by this experience with _____________(person’s name).

3. Express your emotions meditatively: While you are still meditating begin to express your thoughts and feelings to the person you are forgiving. Let them know how much it has hurt you and how upset you are by their actions. If you are so angry you want to hit them, then do it (IMAGINATIVELY) express your pent up emotions within your imagination.

NOTE: Your intention is to release the feelings around this person and to forgive them. That is where the energy will flow. You will not be sending this person negative energy unless that is your intention.

4. Forgive and let go: With your eyes still closed, sense a light coming down from above you. It is a warm healing light that surrounds you and creates a safe environment for forgiveness. Visualize the person you wish to forgive, and see them inside the light. Mentally tell them, I forgive you for hurting/disappointing me in this way. Mentally reaffirm what you are forgiving them for. Then release them into the light.

When you finally understand that you can generate the healing of forgiveness, by choice. It will never happen until you take full responsibility for every facet of your life and your relationships with others. When you stop looking for love, security and peace outside yourself, and discover it within, you are finally set free and the magic of forgiveness has worked its spell.

Michaiel Patrick Bovenes is a personal empowerment teacher, speaker and author. Since 1994, he’s published a popular series of guided meditations and teahes classes called, “Soul-utions”. Michaiel lives in San Francisco, CA and teaches throughout the USA. Receive Free Meditation MP3 Download at his website at: RelaxationMeditations.com

• How
• To
• Forgive
• And
• Let
• Go
• Of
• The
• Past